{"id":36710,"title":"Essential Wild Swimming Terms","description":"The wild swimming terminology you never knew you needed.","content":"

With any specialist activity there are important terms you need to know and wild swimming is no different. These are not<\/strong> those terms.<\/p>

\"km6idxhgzmydfnyvpo7h8fpkbk4nhb97kzhi5lwkaspsmzjo.jpg.jpg?w=1140&v=2\"<\/u><\/a>Swim Hof (noun)<\/strong><\/h2>

Someone who\u2019s read a book by a renowned ice-loving Dutchman and they\u2019re really into it. At the lake, they display their mastery of cold water by gliding in with zen-like ease. A feat not seen since ancient Nordic times. Apart from 5 minutes ago when 68 year-old Sandra did the same thing with less fuss in a flourescent bobble hat.<\/p>

They achieve a meditative state through something called breathwork<\/em>.<\/p>

Breathwork is an advanced form of breathing that involves turning a natural process into work. The work is mostly counting and pausing. Not exactly chiselling coal out of a mine, but important work nonetheless.<\/p>

\"1r8k4irwclcb2ez3ecsxbge5vywnk8shvluafefnz6d1ab4n.jpeg.jpeg?w=1140&v=2\"Flock-blocked (verb)<\/strong><\/h2>

You\u2019re a year-round wild swimmer. Whatever the weather you\u2019re jumping in with the gleeful abandon of an Arctic Seal.<\/p>

But then the unthinkable happens (if you\u2019re in Britain) and the sun comes out.<\/p>

Civilians flock to open water. Your local lake is fully booked, the beach is rammed, and teenagers assemble in Fun Squads along river banks.<\/p>

It\u2019s easier to get tickets for Centre Court on Finals Day than it is to find a secluded spot at YOUR lake\/river\/beach.<\/p>

You might start setting your alarm for 4am to beat the throng of fair-weather water fans but you will probably need an afternoon nap, so if you don\u2019t have an understanding boss it\u2019s time to revisit that dream of self-employment.<\/p>

\"phvlij7uwdpx6ftzkishzc8qzpzgnic1keh6srwftph2yqei.jpeg.jpg?w=1140&h=auto\"Quinted (verb)<\/h2>

If you have been mildly alarmed by a creature whilst wild swimming, you have been quinted<\/em>.<\/p>

Deriving from the name Quint, one of the heroes of inspirational open water swimming documentary Jaws <\/em>(1975).<\/p>

Quint famously sustained minor injuries from a fish whilst piloting a boat for novice swimmer Martin Brody.<\/p>

Best used to exaggerate your wildlife encounters during your post-swim firepit chat eg: \u201cmy little toe once got totally quinted by a baby crab at Bondi Beach\u201d \u201cman I almost got quinted by a Cormorant earlier but at the last second it went for a fish. Utterly terrifying\u201d<\/em><\/p>

\"EditableLake Flaccid (medical)<\/strong><\/h2>

Not only is this a lazy pun of the seminal \u2018swimming with crocodiles\u2019 classic film Lake Placid<\/em> (1999) but also a legitimate medical term.<\/p>

Occuring during a cold water swim and lasting for several hours afterwards, this is the minimising of a gentleman\u2019s special area that happens because of biology-related stuff.<\/p>

A bit like being shot in the groin by the machine from science fiction comedy Honey I Shrunk The Kids <\/em>(1989).<\/p>

In a cruel, ironic twist, cold water increases the libido. So that\u2019s just great.<\/p>

\"AWaitrobing (verb)<\/strong><\/h2>

The act of shopping in supermarkets whilst wearing your changing robe. Bowling down the aisles, as wide as you are tall, casually knocking cereal packets aside in your search for post-swim sustenance.<\/p>

You might look like a hungry tent, but you don\u2019t care.<\/p>

Liam Gallagher himself couldn\u2019t have dreamed of a time when big coats would be so popular.<\/p>

We can\u2019t afford a picture of Liam Gallagher, so here\u2019s a hungry tent:<\/p>

\"AWoe-Float Moment (phrase)<\/strong><\/h2>

Swimmers experience woe-float moments when they arrive at an organised venue without an essential piece of kit. Such as a tow float. Access denied.<\/p>

This self-inflicted sadness is often misdirected at the venue and its rules that you\u2019ve been fine with up till now but suddenly despise.<\/p>

The good news is that the venue will likely sell top-of-the-range versions of these items so you can procure spares with just one quick call to your financial advisor.<\/p>

\"ASock-Thumb (medical)<\/strong><\/h2>

Repetitive strain injury sustained from removing swimming socks by hooking a thumb into the top and yanking them off, despite the fact that you are sure there must be a better way and there\u2019s probably a YouTube tutorial on it but you can\u2019t be arsed to look.<\/p>

The only known cure is to move to a Mediterranean island like you always said you would and swim without the things.<\/p>

Plasters or bandages won\u2019t help, particularly if you don\u2019t know what a thumb is, like this fool:<\/p>

\"uihhwrsdy5qhgn3ipnpkes5fx3cycqt9l3mz5rcngyw3jjxy.jpeg.jpg?w=1140&h=auto\"So there we are. You\u2019re now armed with some essential vocab and can seamlessly infiltrate any swimming tribe with confidence.<\/p>

Any additions welcome on diptribe<\/strong> Insta\/Facebook: INSTAGRAM<\/u><\/strong><\/a> <\/strong>FACEBOOK<\/u><\/strong><\/a><\/p>

Shop Diptribe sustainable clothing online. Organic cotton, affordable fashion. Ethically made using renewable energy OUR CLOTHING<\/u><\/a><\/h3>

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